GoodBye and Hello
by Nightbloodwolf
Summary: This is something that came to me in one wierd moment. A girl, whose feelings of pain are overwhelming her, decides to leave Youko/Shuiichi...forever, or so she thinks. She loves Kurama, but the pressure was too much for her. Youko/reader/Kurama R&R!
1. Chapter 1

Hi all! Hope you like this.  
Note to readers: this is a Youko/shuiichixoc

It might not seem like it right now but they'll get together later on.  
Disclaimer: I do not own YuYuhakusho.

* * *

I hadn't meant for it to come to this.

I loved him, I really did, but I just couldn't handle it anymore. Too many nights and days of staying awake worried, in a frenzy to know he still lived. Too many hours spent on pacing back and forth across my living room floor, wondering if he'll come back this time.

I really loved him, but this just wasn't the life I wanted. I didn't want to but I had to say good-bye, to everything. Everything we had and everything we knew.

I had to leave **everything** behind.

The home we shared, my friends and his, my job, and **Him**.

I had to…leave my love behind.

I 'had to' to a lot of things. I'd made up my mind; I couldn't go on living like this. I don't want to see his bloodied clothes, or his wounds, the bruises when it was a close fight to the death anymore. I don't want to get out of the room as fast as I could just to cry by myself. I didn't want to bare this pain alone, or to have it for that matter, of seeing him hurting and not knowing if this would be the last time I saw him.

I didn't want to think of someone someday bringing his body back, pale and lifeless. His beauty forever engraved upon death.

I was going insane, out of my mind.

No, I couldn't. Maybe, if it hadn't been every week or two that he had to go on a mission, but maybe a month or three apart it would've been fine. But it wasn't. I was slowly falling into despair, cracking up fake smiles around him. I _**needed,**_ not wanted, out.

It may be selfishness on my part, because I know he'll be hurt, terribly, for the action I'm taking, but he won't be the only one suffering. I will too, 'cause after all I'm still madly in love.

But….I hope he'll understand.

I'll leave…Kurama behind and make a new life.

I _**have to forget him**_.

No matter how much time it takes; I have to forget him if I want to get rid of this agony.

I'll leave now when he's on a mission. A simple one this time, destroy some lower class demons on human territory.

I have to leave now because I just know, once I see him I won't be able to leave. For who can leave a wonderful guy like him? Apparently me.

I've left him a letter explaining what I'm going to do and why. As one last 'gift' I wrote, that on some deep part of me I'll always love him.

But for now my train is waiting for me and I have to go….

To start my new life, alone.

* * *

  
Do you guys think i should continue? Or not? =/


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Chapter 2

It's been two weeks since I last heard and saw from the…people I left behind. It's been so horrible and miserable. I haven't eaten well, if barely, and I can't sleep at night without having to dream about **him**.

You might say I would want to sleep as much as possible if I get to see him in my dreams. As everyone says, dreaming of the one you love is the best thing for anyone in love who are far away from each other. Yes, even the ones who are broken hearted.

I would too, if I had the dreams that were Supposed to make me want to sleep all night and day.

But the sad truth is…they aren't.

These dreams torment me, torture me like nothing else could.

They all start the same way; Kurama walks past the apartment door in which I now live in. I stare at him in shock, disbelief; sure that he was a figment of my imagination.

It seems like we stare at each other for what seems like eternity, before I begin to cry and stumble towards him. I go with hopes that we can be together again, joy that he would search and come for me, regret at the stupidest thing I could've ever done, and remorse at what I **had **done.

I run towards him, about to hug him…when he gives a small step back. Just a little itty bitty small step, that could've meant nothing to anybody else.

To me…it was the world crumbling down, completely destroyed by anguish and suffering.

That small step said it all.

We wouldn't get together, we wouldn't…

After that, it all goes down. The dream turns for the worse.

Images of him beating me, torturing me, shouting hateful things, calmly saying how much he despises me, how much he wished we'd never met…those images replay every night when I go to sleep.

The worst part of the dreams, however, are not the torture scenes. There was something worse, something terrifying that made the dream-me crumble down and feel like nothing would ever be right and sane ever again...

Hearing Kurama say that he'd already found someone else, someone better than me, more worthy of his time and more EVERYTHING, as he shouted a thousand times at me in my dreams, made me break apart. My mind would stop functioning; everything seized to exist and I was just an empty shell.

Not even when he would slash at me with his rose whip, would I move or make a sound.

Everything becomes a blur after that, and I can't remember anything else until he leaves to go back to the other woman.

I wake up at that point, screaming and crying hysterically. Undeniably hurt and too far lost in mind, to stop screaming. At least, no one lives close enough to hear me scream at night…

Those are my dreams. I can't stand to sleep or even bare the thought of it. If I sleep, I **know **I'm going to dream about him…

Maybe, just maybe, leaving him was a bad idea. But what's done is done, and can't be undone. I must keep on going.

I don't think trying to forget him…will be an easy thing. By the way I'm faring right now, it would seem that it was better to have stayed instead of leaving. But no matter how it seems or what I'm going to suffer, I know I _**will **__**heal**_.

And _trying_ to forget Kurama may be impossible but… I am a strong person, that's what I have to remember. No matter how hard or tough it's going to get, I **have** to at least try. And even if I don't forget him, I have to heal my heart from all the agony inflicted upon it all this years with Kurama's near death experiences and wounds. I have to get the pain and worry, the stress and frustration, the sadness and trauma out of my heart.

Recovering will be a long process, but…

I'll take it one step at a time.

* * *

A warning: I'm writing the chapters as they come to mind, so theres no brainstorm or anything. I just take it out of my head and write it down.

So if theres anything that is different, sorry for that and you can tell me. I'll go back and check it out…maybe, if I'm not too lazy. .

Any questions you have, write them in a review.

R&R!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Chapter 3

* * *

_How could this have happened?_

He stared in shock and disbelief at the only thing left from **her**, a letter. A terrible, anguished letter that explained what she had done and why. A letter that ripped his heart and soul to shred, something that had not happened in many, many years.

A letter that slowly fell to the ground as the man began to tremble and shake, both in grief and sorrow.

_Where, WHEN, had it all began? How couldn't I have noticed? Why __**didn't**__ I notice?_

It was incomprehensible to him; they were happy he knew it- hell, he could **feel** it from her.

So, then why…He couldn't think, couldn't function properly.

…_the wounds…the blood…the times she vanished for alone time…the smiles, they were fake…it was there…all along, the answer was there…and I didn't notice the signs... I was too worried about my missions to sense her distress…and now for that…_

_**SHE WAS GONE, FOREVER…**_

The man collapsed to his knees as the impact of the words finally reached past his shocked state of being. Tears silently and slowly rolled down pale cheeks as dulled green eyes stared wide-eyed at the empty space in front of him.

_No, this couldn't be happening. It just couldn't._

But the cold reality wouldn't let him be. It was true, everything that had and is happening was all as real as he himself was.

And he hadn't been here to stop her. To talk to her. To show her it didn't have to be like this.

HE HADN'T BEEN ABLE TO STOP HER FROM LEAVING.

…But he could do something now. He could remedy what had taken place…

_**I have to call the others and Koenma…**_

…**_ I_ _HAVE to find her…_**

* * *

Hope you enjoyed!


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own anything!

Thank you everyone for the reviews! Especiallly Curious, for her/his review xD

* * *

As amazing as it sounds…I got a job. Nothing big, just a position at the grocery store five blocks away from the apartment. I finally got the nerve to go out and find myself a job. It wasn't easy, I tell you.

When I stepped out for the first time, everything blurred and my eyes hurt from the bright sunlight. People would stop and stare at me, and I could see from their expressions that they thought the worst of me.

I couldn't see why, I dressed in some of the best clothes I had for job hunting. It wasn't until much later when I returned home at the end of the day without a job that I knew why.

Instead of the "pale" complexion I was supposed to have without much sun exposure, I was an ugly pale _gray_ color. I'm guessing my grief and malnutrition made me that color. Also, I was really skinny and hollow looking. They probably thought I was a druggie.

No wonder nobody wanted to give me a job.

After a week of looking, I went to the last place I could think of. The grocery store- five blocks away from where I live.

By then, I had given myself a shake up; I would **have **to eat even when I didn't want to. Why? Because I needed the job desperately, my food was running down and the apartment payment was coming soon.

Anyways, I went into the grocery store.

The first thing that I had noticed was that it wasn't that big. Not that big but not that small either. There were only two cashier stations, the fruit section, meat section, canned goods section, and the candies/beverages section. There was also a small room at the end of the store.

After my small inspection, I had decided to ask the only person in the cashier section for help. It was a guy probably around my age, brunette haired with the lightest hazel eyes I had ever seen. He was as tall as **him **and fit looking**. **

I walked up to him, introduced myself, and asked him if I could talk to the manager. He was so soft spoken and almost shy-like that I couldn't stop myself from softly smiling, my first smile since I left, at him. Mark, that was his name, hadn't seem that kind of guy; I'd thought he would be those outspoken and flirty guys but apparently he wasn't.

Anyways, he directed me to the room at the back. The manager-actually, it came out to be he was the OWNER- was an old guy maybe around his 56 years old. I introduced myself once again and told him why I was here, for the job.

He just looked at me and I guess he saw something in my eyes, preferably the desperation and the pain I have, that he gave me the job without question. God, that was such a relief that I almost kissed his hand and cried. I was also thankful that he didn't think I was a druggie.

He just smiled and told me to come in tomorrow.

And I've been working there for two weeks now. The pay is good, Marchand-that's the owners name- is kind enough to let me take some groceries home, and slowly I'm gaining my weight and my complexion back.

Lets not forget Mark! He is such a great help. Always lending me a hand, and-surprisingly- making me smile more often. I guess he too can see that I'm hurting.  
In a way, I guess, he is trying to help me with my problem without asking questions and just trying to make me forget.

I am so lucky and grateful to have found these two; they really do help during the day. They keep me in check every day, asking if I've eaten, trying to make me take walks, at least around the park- which is right next to where I live.

I only regret that I can't tell them what my problem is.

I also regret that they can't be here for me at night, when the dreams come, so they can chase them away…

* * *

Sorry for the wait everyone!!! Hope you enjoyed. =D


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Me no own nothing!

Hope the chappy's not tooooo bad. Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 5

I wonder if…He is looking for me. Or if my dreams are true and he's already found someone else. I know it's bad for me to think about Him, especially if I want to forget him, but I just can't help it!

It's as if some part of me can't help but mourn for him, the type of mourn that doesn't even wanna TRY to forget him.

But I guess, that's another trial I am going to have to overcome. Or maybe that part of me will never cease to exist. I love Kurama with every fiber of my being. And it hurts to even think it and admit it, but in a way it helps keep me sane.

I try to stay at work more than I should. So in a way I work extra hours. Marchand doesn't like it, he says I should be at home and not be walking at an unreasonable hour of the night just to get from work to home.

But I just hate it there! It's so barren and cold, no feeling is in there. It's so depressing it makes me depressed right away. The laugh times I have with Mark in the grocery leave as soon as I step inside the place. I would suddenly find myself on the floor curled up, hugging my legs to myself, crying silently...in which case is the worst for me. If I would sob and make noise, at least I would hear **Something**. But the silent crying always makes me notice how much alone I really am, with no comfort whatsoever.

Just yesterday I told Mark that I felt alone in the apartment. That in itself shows how much I'm beginning to trust Mark, even if we have only known each other for two weeks. And I don't regret confessing that to him. It's quite the opposite actually, I feel relieved to have told someone what I felt. I didn't say anymore, though. That would actually be stretching the trust issue too much.

Mark was really understanding. He told me if I felt alone going home, that he would walk me there or I could go with him to places. He said that we could go to the park, movies, store browsing, or just plain go for walks.

It was such a nice thing to do for me that I hugged him and thanked him so much. He just blushed and stuttered that it was nothing.

And just today when I walked inside the grocery to start my work day, he surprised me so very much.

As soon as I reported to my station, he came up to me with his hands behind his back. And guess what he gave me?

An adorable, cute light brownish puppy!! Her underside was white and her eyes were a mix of light brown and almost hazel-like when the light struck her eyes. I was speechless.

But, the down part? The down part of the puppy that struck me so hard in the heart that memories of Kurama came to me during WORK- which never happened thanks to Mark- was that…

The puppy looked like a fox.

She seriously resembled a fox.

I don't think I could've stopped myself even if I wanted to.

I broke down. Right infront of Mark and the puppy.

The fox-look-alike-puppy.

I kept remembering Kurama and me in our house, the times we would hang out with the gang, the times when we would kiss and go for walks, when we would just lie down on the backyard for the fun of it and just to be in each others presence…

All those images made me cry. All I really remember from the crying is being on the floor with my hands on my face, a last effort to keep privacy, and Mark infront of me, calling my name. But I couldn't stop, I just couldn't.

I guess the mental stress was too much for me to handle, or maybe it was because I didn't want to keep seeing Kurama's face in my head anymore, either way my body shut down of its own accord.

The last thing I saw was Mark's face-worried and concerned.

And then…darkness.

* * *

Sorry for any mistakes, if it was rushed, and the lateness!!


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: me dont own anything. Hope you guys enjoy xD

* * *

_Laughter._

_Giddiness. Happiness. Joy. _

_Love._

"_Kurama!", a young woman squealed as an emerald eyed male lifted her high into the air and swung her around. Happy laughter spilled from both forms…  
__Two figures lay together on the ground, a male and female. Giant oak trees provided shade as the males' curved arm tightened around the females waist. "I love you." Soft spoken and passionate words passed from one person to the other…_

"_Kurama? Kurama? **KURAMA!" **But the pale form lying on the bed neither twitched nor moved. No flash of green from his eyes showed , no sign of life. "WAKE UP! Hey, hey, please. Please, Kurama, don't do this to me. Baby, Please! Kurama open your eyes…" But no matter how many light slaps against his pale cheeks, how many pleads were made his way, he wouldn't wake up. This mission was one of the worst he'd had to go on, and when he finally came home…it was to stumble and fall upon the porch, all bloodied and close to deaths doors.  
__It wasn't until days later that Kurama finally opened his eyes…_

"_I'll always find you. You're **MINE**…." _

…_Golden eyes…_

* * *

My eyes snapped open. I could see Mark sitting on a chair next to the bed I, apparently, was on. The lights were dim enough to let me adjust. But it's not like it mattered anyways. After viewing some of my moments with Kurama, I was left with a hole in my heart. An empty space…

But there was something I needed to do before it was too late.

I made the decision right then and there. Remembering the last words of my 'dreams', I knew what I had to do.

I had to move away. I had to leave this place before _**Kurama **_could find me. I wasn't ready to face him yet, and so I had to leave once again…


End file.
